Today is the 20 year anniversary of September 11th, 2001. I can’t even believe I just wrote those words. It feels just as surreal to have it be 20 years ago as it does for the actual event to have ever occurred.

Days before, I had turned 16 years old and began my Junior year of high school. It was a regular day for me. I was sitting in the cafeteria and a classmate named Casey Carboneau, whom I was never friends with but will also never forget, came up to me and said “An airplane just hit the World Trade Center in New York” and I remember thinking “What…?Huh?” I don’t remember if we conversed more than that.

A few minutes later I’m in a class, and we rolled in one of those pre-flat screen era box TVs on a cart and the coverage was on in the background. I remember watching the second plane hit on live TV. At this point, there was no mistaking if it was an accident or not.

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day other than being 100% consumed with the news. Back at that time though, the internet was still in its infancy and there were no smart phones or immediate reactions of streaming content. So, cable TV was it. I remember watching a lot of Katie Couric and Matt Lauer. I remember their tones being appropriate for the situation; somber, but startled and just as scared as me.

As we figured out exactly what happened, it was hard to not watch all of the footage and recognize we were living in an unforgettable, world changing moment. And we were right; American life (and much of the world) was never the same.

I remember watching footage and hearing stories of people covered in dust and debris. People running blocks away to find safe harbor. I remember hearing devastating, barely-able-to-speak-about stories, like people jumping from the buildings, choosing to die on their own terms rather than be burned and crushed alive. Even just writing those words makes me cry to this day, I cannot fathom the decision to be made in that moment. I’m not sure I would have been strong enough to do anything other than sit in the fetal position in the corner and cry.

I also remember hearing stories about how firefighters and first responders ran up those flights of stairs, not knowing the entire buildings would collapse; they ran to their doom. To this day, whenever I lose hope in humanity and feel the futility of existence due to so much evil, pain and suffering, I remember that so many people ran courageously up those stairs to do what they could to save as many people as they could, their own safety be damned. Again, I’m not sure I’d have been strong enough to do the same. There’s a lot of heroes from that day, but those people have to be towards the top of the list.

Very little positive came from that world changing day. But, I try to look at the silver lining of everything, including one of the world’s most traumatic days in modern history. One thing I remember is this commercial, it still sticks with me to this day. You see a neighborhood block of houses, and a voiceover says “Terrorists tried to change America forever…They succeeded.” As the video changes to those very same houses, all covered in American flags. It gives me the chills to think about it. I have my own personal opinion on flags and their significance in 2021, but in that moment and in that time, they represented something very clear: a truly united country.

Millions of us were more patriotic and bonded than we ever have been before. And it lasted a long time. That’s quite possibly the best thing that came from that horrible day.

However, everything wasn’t pretty, despite the unity. We started two 20 year long wars that were either fully or partially justified in retaliation and vengeance for 9/11. If you didn’t support these wars, you were viewed as anti-American, pro-terrorist and inhuman. Hundreds of thousands of Muslims died in those wars. Here in America, Muslim hate crimes dramatically rose and life was hell for Muslims in America. Despite those Muslims being here attempting to escape the culture and horror that was just levied against America, many Americans took out our anger on them. It was and is despicable. Sadly, this hate against Muslim American is not over, including sitting lawmakers likening Ilhan Omar to 9/11 terrorists.

In the 20 years after 9/11, we failed to honor and help those who sacrificed everything for us. For 20 years, Jon Stewart and many others have had to fight tooth and nail to get the first responders suffering from cancer and other debris related effects, the proper healthcare and comfort in this world they deserved. Many of them never received it, they died waiting. This should be viewed as a black stain on our existence that we claim to “never forget” while also treating them like disposable pieces of garbage. This is a bi-partisan failure.

We killed Osama Bin laden in 2011, around 10 years after the heinous act. Our bloodshed didn’t end there though, we only just pulled out of Afghanistan 10 years later, just in this past August 2021. In addition to this, we’re still to this day, utilizing the Authorized for Use of Military Force (AUMF) as a blanket hall pass to wage wars in the middle east wherever the hell we want. Despite it supposedly being a short term solution to get vengeance on Al-Qaeda for 9/11, it is the justification for the continued spreading of misery throughout the middle east. I fear it will continue to escalate the middle east and the western world, one day bringing us closer to something that kills much more than a few thousand American lives. If we’re never truly able to find peace, I fear we’re destined to bring evil right back to our doorstep.

To this point, more American soldiers have died in our country’s journey for vengeance for 9/11 than the people that actually died in 9/11. Without pulling out of Afghanistan, despite the tragedy that has happened there during the retreat, we would be putting more and more soldiers on the line. When is it enough? I don’t know. But I think if we truly want to care about soldiers and veterans, there has to be a point where we stop voluntarily creating more of them, and actually take care of the ones we have with mental and physical harm who are back home and need help.

When someone says “Never Forget” and thinks about 9/11, it can be a deeply personal thing to them. I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer, as long as the answer isn’t more bloodshed after 20 years. For me personally, I try to honor the fallen by living my life as best, and full and rewarding as possible. Those people who died were stripped of all the opportunities they could have had, and I feel it’s our duty to make the most of our opportunities. Tonight, my friends and I are going out for a bachelor-esque party. It seems odd to do so on such a day, but I feel like living life and having fun while remembering those who came before us, is quite a fitting way to never forget. Maybe it’s just simply justifying our actions and it is indeed insensitive. I don’t know, but, I don’t think so.

What I do know is that it isn’t a hollow gesture for me. I will truly never forget.